Addicted to Bullshit
In the last 4 months, I’ve developed some of the closest, most unexpected, deep relationships with people. Particularly men, who (whom? I wanna say whom. ??♀️) I’ve always clicked with much more than women. I was a Tom boy growing up (I guess I still am to a degree), grew up playing on all guys sports teams, and naturally just tend to have more in common and speak the language of men much better.
I don’t think these new, deeper friendships are a coincidence either. In typical Lizzy fashion, I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing it all. ?
Jump into my brain if you feel compelled…
Some back story…Last December was one of the hardest month’s of my life. Nothing actually happened, but mentally, I was in a low spot. (Which kind of makes it worse. For anyone who suffers from any form of depression, manic episodes, anxiety, etc, you know the guilt you feel for feeling bad when your life is nothing short of incredible.)
This low wasn’t anything particularly new, but I got extremely fed up with it. I was tired of the cycle. Starting a day on a good foot and then falling down rapidly into this low is extremely frustrating. Not to mention the fact that I am a very happy person with an amazing life. I mean, AMAZING. I get butterflies every day thinking about how grateful I am for all that I have.
Which made (and makes) those lows so, so frustrating. It’s not caused by anything in particular and once it catches hold, its hard as fuck to pull out of. Then you get mad for being down there and it’s just fucking exhausting.
I finally got so annoyed with it that I came onto social media with a strong message that basically said what I needed to hear: do something about it.
While I’m not technically an addict, I do have addictive tendencies and it runs rampant in my family. I got so sick of feeling like I was down in a hole (feeling so small ?) that I decided to treat it like an addiction. An addiction to my bullshit. And truth be told, it probably wasn’t so far off.
Because I knew that I was being lazy in preventing myself from falling down those holes. As if I was walking around the Bushwood Country Club with a blindfold on, hoping I wouldn’t fall. (If you get that reference, you rock).
I knew that if I worked on paying attention, I could prevent it from happening as often. Or at least I hoped so.
So I started doing just that. I started hiking a ton because being outdoors got me out of my head. The moment I felt it creeping in, I dropped what I was doing and drove to the mountain. I started playing music as much as I could instead of watching TV or scrolling my phone.
I even downloaded an app for addiction (I Am Sober) and started tracking the days I could steer clear of the hole. It actually helped me a lot.
Playing music and being in the studio became even more crucial for me. I realized how much I needed that in my life. Music is more than a hobby and more than a “job”. It is what truly soothes my soul. I knew that, but didn’t know just how much.
Without that, without writing (written word), without meaningful conversations with other open minded, creative people, without the creative outlets that my brain wants and needs, I start to get low. Knowing these things was showing me how I needed to live my life. It helped me further align things for myself. And I’ll continue having to align things until I die. Because as a good friend put it last night, there is no “it”. You’ll never find “it”. You’ll keep chasing what you think it is, but you’ll get there and realize it’s a moving target. Follow it anyways. (Brilliant words that I wish were recorded because it was said so perfectly).
So back to my original point. I pulled out of that darkness eventually (beginning January 2nd to be exact), and while there have been some minor lows in the past 4 months, I’ve avoided the major ones. I truly believe it’s because I started paying attention and getting ahead of it. Knowing what keeps me feeling good and also knowing what magnets lay at the bottom of the hole.
And as I started being more aware and making my daily life follow those needs….Doing what my heart, my brain, my soul NEEDED. Following that regardless of what anyone said or thought. Following the inner voice (intuition) and most importantly, trusting it (which is terrifying at first, by the way)…led me to suddenly have these new people, new conversations, new realizations, and new experiences in my life. It’s given me a new light and happiness. It blows my mind a bit, because aside from the lows, I was already living a pretty magical life. I didn’t even know it could get better.
Don’t get me wrong, this growth didn’t just start 4 months ago. It has been happening for the last almost 3 years. And has morphed and developed because I’ve been obsessed with becoming better, more open, happier. Not settling for anything less than that either. Willing to live life differently than many others. Being ok with the criticism and skepticism that comes with that (and there’s a lot of that by the way ?)
It absolutely works and has been for a while now.
But it’s gotten stronger and more magical than ever. It’s been an interesting thing to reflect on, because I know it isn’t a coincidence. It furthers my belief that trusting my gut really does lead me to the right places, the right people, the right things. And now that I know it, I feel like I’ve unlocked a secret. I’m sure I’ll have many more lows in my future. I won’t say “I’m cured!”
But it just keeps getting easier and easier to stay happy, to have perspective, to understand my emotions and what they mean (or don’t mean). Easier in the sense that the work I put into myself has changed me for the better. The work is hard as fuck, but the pay off takes you to places you never knew were possible.
Anyways, at this point I’m just rambling and could go on forever, but I’ll stop there.
I had to write this out because otherwise it just sits inside of me. I compare creative energy to nails. If you don’t get them out, they sit inside of you. They pile up and Eventually they rust. A few won’t be too noticeable, but as they add up, they become dead weight. I know now that I have to listen to that and get the words out when they want to go out.
So here we are…