I’m standing in the gym between sets of chin ups, writing this on my phone. This is how I write 80% of the time. It’s not ideal, but when the thoughts come, I write. Thoughts come like a burning blaze during my workouts, so I go with it. Enjoy, or don’t ?
I want to pinch myself every single day. And at the same time, I still have this lingering “holy shit, what if I never figured it out???” feeling that really humbles me. Actually, no. It knocks me on my ass, if I’m being honest. It’s hard to explain that feeling, other than it feels like a form of PTSD. Where I get this deer in the headlights look realizing that if about a million little things hadn’t happened and my reactions to those things not been what they were…that I may have never known what it was like to truly live life on my terms. (That rocks me to my core to think about. And also keeps me so fucking thankful). To find the magic that comes with that. It feels like magic. I don’t know any other way to describe it. Like I can literally just be me and do me and things fall into place. It doesn’t mean I don’t hit road blocks or have serious problems come up…but the difference is that when they come up, my perspective on them has shifted so much that they just don’t fuck me up like they used to. It’s really your-asthma-info. Knowing it and living it….I can’t begin to explain how much easier life becomes. Or how much more comfortable you get with the uncomfortable. It sounds like crazy talk to pretty much anyone who hasn’t experienced it. So if you’re rolling your eyes, I Fully understand and don’t blame you. I’ve been that person. I was for most of my life. So I still have to check myself sometimes and remind myself that I’m not dreaming (well, maybe I am. #philosophy ?)
I still don’t know exactly what brought me here. What led me to really dig in to myself. To question my world around me simultaneously. What allowed me to actually be able to SEE during that process. (It wasn’t the LASIK, I don’t think ?) And learn. And grow. I have my theories. There are events that occurred. But it still blows my mind. Grateful doesn’t come close to describing it. All I can say is that there isn’t a moment that goes by where I don’t completely understand how fucking lucky I am to have gotten to this point. Lucky in the sense that I allowed myself to open my mind. The rest of it was work. It’s still work. It will always be work. But holy shit is it the most magical thing. My life feels like a dream come true…and in ways it is.
I don’t have much of a point to this other than, writing helps me organize my thoughts and let out a creative energy, so I do it. And if it at all helps another person, then it makes me even happier. So here we are.